The Source
by CrispyBaconbits
Summary: Jeff can't understand what caused him to start genuinely caring for people. Oneshot. This is my first fanfic so I'm not sure how good it is. Reviews are welcome.


Jeff Winger never tried at anything. Actually that wasn't true. There were exceptions – two of them to be exact. The first was obvious: he had to look _good. _Jeff Winger, even when going to a community college that's most successful class is Beginner Pottery, always needed to look his best. He couldn't allow himself any less, thanks to his self esteem being severely deteriorated by his father all those years ago. But Jeff had told himself many times that he was fine with letting people think he was just an extremely vain and selfish person than reveal his "daddy issues", as Britta so lovely put it. That was something he was planning on taking with him to the grave. Nobody knew except him and his mom and nobody else needed to. That kind of thing makes people pity you, or worse, grow an _attachment_ to you. Ever since his dad left, Jeff had given up ever having someone to rely on, and he liked it better that way. His success as a lawyer (even if he didn't have any real credentials) proved to other people and more importantly to himself that he could do anything he put his mind to. Jeff chose to be materialistic, but not because he liked being able to afford and expensive and luxurious lifestyle, but because it was his _escape_. He could use his material possessions to run away from his lack of connection to people. It was nice, and for a long time, it worked.

But then Jeff went to Greendale. Alan had thrown him under the bus, and he was stuck here. At first, Jeff had attempted to keep his old ways of selfishness and only caring about himself, but then he had met Britta. Jeff still didn't know how he felt towards Britta. In three years, his feelings for Britta had since left, and they were best friends, but Jeff didn't know how to deal with this. She was the reason he had created the study group, where his other best friends had formed. But Britta had been the reason he even had friends. Sure, people can say he made the study group, and he had, but it was because of her. For that he thought he should thank her, but Jeff felt weird about it. It had been three years; wasn't it too late for a "thank you" now? Just then, Jeff realized that he had never really reflected over a person this much like he just had, and it was beginning to scare him. But his therapist had suggested he do this. She had suggested that he start to think about why he's stuck with the study group for so long, after going through most of his life solo. More importantly, why had he started trusting people other than himself? His therapist had mentioned that it was a "source". Something had happened since coming to Greendale that caused Jeff to finally open up to the idea of genuinely caring about people other than himself for the first time in over 20 years. If he wanted to finally accept where he was in life and be content with the person he had become over the course of these three years, he would have to find this "source". So, Jeff began looking over the friendships he had created since coming to Greendale. He had already determined that Britta was probably the reason he had friends in the first place, but he had also spent most of his time with Britta hooking up and reverting to his old ways, so she wasn't what had caused him to change. She wasn't the source.

So who was next on his list? For some reason, Jeff's mind went to Shirley. She was considered the mother figure of the group, and in many ways, Jeff was considered the father. But Jeff hated being branded as the "dad", whereas Shirley seemed to embrace it with open arms (that is, at least when her age isn't brought into question). Shirley was nice and caring, but she and Jeff had way too many conflicting ideals for her to be considered the source of why he had stopped running away from his compassionate side. Although, Jeff could certainly admit that she was _part_ of the reason. Hell, they all were.

Jeff's mind then drifted to Troy. Troy, the kid who was just as arrogant and selfish as himself when first starting at Greendale. Jeff thought for a moment. Surprisingly, he and Troy had a bit more in common as they progressed through their time at Greendale. They both started out as egotistical due to their popular lives pre-Greendale, but had changed dramatically thanks to their friends' influence. Jeff often thought that had he not have had father-related issues, he would've been just like Troy in high school. Unfortunately, his dad had squashed that dream around the same time he squashed his self confidence. But Troy was still immature, and thoroughly dim-witted. He also clearly had his own best friend in Abed, who was no doubt the reason for Troy's change in attitude. Jeff realized that Abed had been Troy's source in finding a change in his attitude. He admired Abed for that. He knew also though, that Troy wasn't his source. Sure they had more in common than he would've liked to admit, but his therapist had often told him that his source would be different from himself. She had told him that it would be somebody who possessed many qualities that Jeff wished he could express, but was too afraid to. Speaking of different from himself...

Jeff's mind returned to Abed. Abed sure was different from him. Abed was quiet, whereas he was charismatic. But Abed was also insightful, something Jeff _did_ wish he could be at times. He was a "fly on the wall" when things had gotten out of hand in the group, and he rarely expressed how he really felt about many situations. Jeff had admired that as well. He wanted to be somewhat ambiguous to what the group thought of him. But he realized that that was what the old Jeff was like. Nobody had known what he was actually thinking. He got **paid **to lie, for God's sakes! Abed was also incredibly into pop culture, something Jeff related to his own obsession with material possessions. Maybe Abed was escaping something too...perhaps they had more in common than he thought. Jeff frowned, that also meant he wasn't the source.

Jeff continued to think about his study group. He knew his source was someone that wasn't like him in many ways, and it was also someone who he least expected to be helping him. The colour suddenly drained from Jeff's face. Could it be...Pierce? Jeff actually laughed at the thought. Pierce was a delusional old man who made Lawyer Jeff seem like a good guy who actually _did _care. Pierce was crude, old, racist, sexist and incredibly stupid. He had very rare moments of insightfulness, but Abed was clearly way ahead of him in that respect. But then again, maybe Pierce being so bad was the reason Jeff had begun to get so _good_. Maybe that was Pierce's reason for being in the group. Jeff personally needed someone like Pierce to keep himself from thinking he was the worst. That thought actually made Jeff smile. Maybe he owed more to Pierce than he thought. But Pierce was also constantly trying to get Jeff to leave the group. He hated Jeff just as much as Jeff hated him, and if he was really the source of Jeff becoming a better person, then he wouldn't constantly be trying to get him to screw up, or wait for his demise. Pierce was something, but Jeff wasn't quite sure what yet. He _did_ have qualities that could make him a viable candidate for being the source, but his mind suddenly reminded him of someone who fit the bill much better. Someone who Jeff could not understand, and who made Jeff feel things that he had never truly felt since...well since ever...

Why had Jeff naturally left Annie to be the last one on his mental checklist? It confused him. As much as he hated to admit it, Annie was usually _always_ on his mind. He actually hated it. Jeff was perfectly content with having great friends, but he hated not being able to get someone other than himself out of his mind. That part of him still existed, but Jeff considered it harmless. But after thinking about all of his other friends, Jeff had realized that Annie had to be the source. She just had to be. She was everything he wasn't, but everything he wanted. She was kind, compassionate towards others (not just her friends), incredibly hard working and always driven. She had faced hardships in her childhood like Jeff, but they involved drugs. It was a pill addiction that was born from Annie's unquenchable desire to be better than everyone else. The difference was Jeff never had to try in order to be better. It was something that he had somehow perfected. Something that he thought was all he needed to be content with his life. But Annie had proved him wrong. Jeff realized that he wanted to be like her more than anyone else. Ever since he had come to Greendale, Annie was someone that always intrigued him. If she hadn't kissed him at the Transfer Dance first, then he would have kissed her anyway. He wouldn't have given it a second thought. She was so _irresistible_. But it wasn't infatuation. No, it was her influence on him. After his dad left, Jeff knew that he wouldn't let anyone influence how he wanted to live his life. He would lead it the way he wanted to. Yet here she was. Annie, the girl with those big doe eyes who (as much as he hated to admit it) was everything he wanted. He was suddenly glad that she had kissed him first at the Transfer Dance. It showed that Annie wasn't perfect, and she made mistakes, just like him. Maybe she was his source, be he was also her source. _They both needed each other. _It was a concept that gave Jeff a weird feeling in his stomach, and something he never believed in started to resonate in his mind over and over and over again.

"Love..." Jeff said quietly to himself. He knew it. He always had. Jeff Winger loved Annie Edison. The petite young brunette was his pillar of strength. As much as he wanted to be independent, Annie had showed him that help is always available and taught him how to care. It was something that Jeff had given up understanding ever since his dad left him and his mom without a second thought. But Annie had somehow relit that fire in his heart. He had dreamed about her, but it wasn't your typical sex dream, it was just him and Annie...cuddling. The lovey-dovey stuff made him feel ridiculous, but it was also comforting. To think that he subconsciously cared so deeply for someone was so foreign to Jeff that he accepted it without a second thought. But he suddenly felt bad, terrible even. He had been a huge jerk to her. He had shut her out because of her age, it made him feel creepy. He had ignored her when she attempted to be closer to him, because he was afraid. But Jeff saw the real reasoning for it now; he wasn't afraid of the age difference, he was afraid of caring. He was afraid of what giving into his feelings would mean for him. But maybe Annie was afraid too. Maybe Annie was afraid of getting involved with Jeff because he clearly had problems of his own. "We need each other". Jeff kept saying it to himself, and the more he did, the more he understood.

Jeff Winger never tried at anything. Except looking good and making Annie smile. That was his second exception. He wanted to make Annie smile. 


End file.
